My deepest condolences to anyone who is currently sleep-deprived. It’s… not fun.
I remember the feeling. I don’t like to talk about my past insomnia much, in case I invoke it, like an ancient curse. Suffice to say that I started worrying about my family’s mortality when I was about 11 and it kept me up for the next two decades.
Learning how to sleep again is one of my top lifetime achievements, alongside the time Taylor Swift quoted me on her Instagram.
HOW GOOD IS SLEEP
Wow, it’s good. The first few times I slept through the night, I was like, hold on, you’re telling me that other people have been doing this all along??? What a treat. What a privilege. What a head start.
My only complaint is that I do have a very stressful recurring nightmare where I lose my dog at a One Direction concert. Other than that I am a huge, big fan of sleep. It’s magical. Putting my head on the pillow each night knowing I can reasonably expect to FALL ASLEEP SOON is still a novelty. I often grin to myself in the dark like a jolly little lunatic.
Sometimes I think, isn’t it so weird that we all drop into a voluntary coma when the sun goes down, every day, forever? We hallucinate and snore then get up and get on with life? Really, really weird behaviour. Fantastic, though.
I even had a short stint doing sleep journalism, during which I discovered how little even experts really know about it. Do we consolidate memories while we sleep? Maybe! Can we solve problems, make decisions and process emotions while we’re snoozing? Probably! Do we know for sure why we dream? Nup.
Like the deep sea, the human brain is a murky, powerful mystery.
Anyway, my genre of insomnia was your real dark-night-of-the-soul, existential torment style thing. I’d toss, turn, thrash, fret, panic, spiral, and fixate on a minor mistake I made circa 2007 until my body had forgotten what it was to be at ease.
So, to fix my sleeping problem, I have had to do some pretty intense psychological healing, in addition to stuff like limiting caffeine and having a regular bedtime.
What I’m gonna do now is make a nice long list of everything I do to help me sleep, in case it’s helpful to anyone. You might like to share it with someone who strugs to snooze!!!!
But first, please note the following important caveats:
I am not a doctor. Lol, I barely understand what a cell is and I faint at the mention of almost any bodily fluid. If you want medical advice, call your GP.
(Be warned, though, that doctors sometimes say stuff like “have you tried warm milk before bed?” and it will really make you stop and think about the lofty expectations we place on individual people to learn every single thing that could go wrong in our silly lil bodies and then solve them in 10-minute-long appointments in small rooms with bad lighting).
If you’re after the hard-earned teachings of a quite nice former insomniac whose only qualification is experience, then, kid, you’re in the right place.
Unsolicited sleep advice used to make steam come out of my ears like a cartoon angry person. If you have got this far into an article clearly signposting the forthcoming sleep tips, I reckon we can count this advice as solicited.
Speaking of which, credit where it’s due: my beloved did suggest a number of these things to me over a long period of time. The ear-steam thing happened, I told him where to put his sleep tips, and then much later announced that I would be trying the very same things as though I had discovered them myself.
There are many insomniac scenarios that I cannot help you with! For example, if you have a newborn baby keeping you up, my only suggestion is to ask the newborn baby very nicely if they might consider being quiet.
Anyway, here are some things that helped me. If you don’t like the sound of them or they’re not possible for you, that’s cool, don’t do them.
Otherwise, good night and good luck.
Put my phone away at least two hours before I go to bed. In a drawer. In a different room.
Have a regular bedtime and a regular-ish wake up time (depending on my willingness to face the day).
Choose my evening television wisely (no true crime, no ominous music, no spooky stuff, no news, no disturbing documentaries). This means we watch a lot of Taskmaster, Gone Fishing, Friday Night Dinner, and The Dog House.
Watch The Traitors on catch up during the day because the adrenalin from 9 to 10pm is too much.
Have an extremely wholesome bedtime routine that signals to my body it’s time for bed. Mine includes stretching on the bedroom floor, having a small meditation-adjacent quiet time, reading my book for about 20 minutes and then switching out the light.
Take magnesium.
Recall the visual details of a big building as accurately as I can to distract my brain enough that all of a sudden I’m asleep. I like to mentally walk through my primary school, visiting little memories on my way.
If I should wake at 3 or 4am, the worst time of all times, interrupt my panic spiral by doing something inane and cute like listing as many different types of baby animal as possible.
Talk to my own brain. Say things like to myself like, “now is not the time for thinking” and “shush, sweetheart, it’s time to sleep now.”
Breathe. Through my nose. Make the exhale longer than the inhale.
Get some antidepressants that work. This is a biggie.
Address some of the underlying trauma that haunted me in the dead of night!!!!!
Get a good pillow. I have one that boasts “pillow in pillow technology” and as far as I can tell they have just shoved one small pillow inside another, larger pillow. Hilarious, supportive.
Oh! Got one of those pillows to go between my knees that aligns my spine nicely while I sleep on my side.
Give up coffee OR put a deadline on coffee consumption. Have those cuppas before midday.
Sunlight in my eyes first thing. This is meant to be cool for your circadian rhythm.
Movement during the day, any kind. Make it nice.
Have dinner early! Eat enough! Get some protein in me!
Drink less/no alcohol.
Do Yoga Nidra.
Get the Calm app specifically for the Harry Styles sleep story, then discover it’s full of other very relaxing helpful things.
Stop identifying as an insomniac. Refuse to make it part of my identity anymore.
Answer “well” or “fine” if someone asks you how you slept. Even if you think your night’s sleep was a bit dodgy, it actually kind of helps you salvage the day if you say out loud that it was adequate.
Get up and shake my arms and legs when anxiety happens.
Get outta bed if I truly cannot sleep. I cannot have my body associating my bed with being wide awake against my will.
Hot shower in the dark.
Writing down some worries in the evening so they won’t have so much power over me later.
Yell “encroachment” at my partner if he strays onto my side.
Light an expensive CBD candle designed by Claudia Winkleman, given to me by my mother for my birthday, and treat it like a magical mystical object with special relaxation powers.
Write this newsletter about sleep to please the sleep gods and continue to snooze peacefully!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Night, everyone. Love you.
Share this with a tired pal. Share it with a tired nemesis!!! Everyone deserves sleep.
What brand are the pillows! I neeeed!
I need the potato ranking asap urgent pls