Felt good to have a nemesis
Felt good to have a nemesis
Miss you, Samantha
When I was nine years old, I bit someone.
It’s one of very few times I really, really got in trouble as a kid. In my defence, it was self-defence. We were playing Cops and Robbers in the playground at lunchtime and I had been captured. I’d been in a headlock long enough, my only real course of action was to chomp down on a muscular forearm. I was taken out of class, I put forward my case (excessive force, retaliation) and I was released without detention. For a short time I was, if I may say so, a bit of a legend.
This was our only physical altercation, but Samantha and I had an enduring and meaningful nemesis relationship for many years.
At school, I was obedient, I was sweet, I did my homework. Teachers liked me, I joined choir. I was in serious danger of being a real bore.
But this girl! She brought out the most eviscerating rage in me. I bit her! I swore at her! I spent a lot of my free time mulling over her flaws. These may not be admirable acts on their own, but they were proof of fire in me. An aspirational sort of anger that, to be honest, helped me realise who I am (not, like, a biter, but someone who could stand up for herself).
Nobody has ever pissed me off like this girl. Not before, not since. She was so smug and mean and talented and tall, it was fabulous. IT MADE ME FEEL SO ALIVE
She did a cartwheel once and kicked me in the face. On purpose. Such an elegant way to get me. I have to respect it, all these years later. We used to compare exam marks, argue in class, swim as fast as we could to beat each other at squad. She said some diabolical things to me and other girls, truly amazing things for a child to say to another child. She was vigilant too, she never let an opportunity pass to say something devastating. She’s a lawyer now, I think, and I bet she’s a good one.
God I loved to hate her! It was one of the great formative relationships of my early life. The purity of childhood contempt - there’s nothing like it. How will I ever feel that high again?? It’s so much more complicated, so much less fun, to get into scraps at my age.
I’m not on Twitter. I don’t work in an office. None of my peers have wronged me in a satisfyingly petty way. My neighbours are really nice. Where is a person like me to get a really great nemesis these days?
Samantha has declined my request to follow her on Instagram. I’m not contacting her on LinkedIn; that’s beneath us.
I have plenty of righteous anger (I’m awake in the world, how could I not?) but none of it is pleasurable. I’m furious a lot of the time; with racists, transphobes, misogynists, politicians, etc. I might feel physically sick and narrow my eyes if I ever saw Russel Brand or Rishi Sunak on the street. But it’s just not the same. They’re hated by so many people! It would feel impersonal. There’s a huge power imbalance too; the real beauty of a proper nemesis is that they’re on the same level as you. It can’t be a cruel former boss. Or someone who’s genuinely done harm. I don’t want a really terrible human being as my nemesis. The thing about Samantha is that sometimes we liked each other. We had play dates, we went to each other’s birthday parties, we went to horse camp together one time. That kind of inconsistency is too much admin and angst as an adult. It’s only truly possible as a child, as a teenager maybe. To like someone you hate, to sometimes share cake with your mortal enemy.
Perhaps I have already had the best nemesis I will ever know. Eugh, we’d probably get along just fine if we met now.
Samantha, by the way, was a gymnast. A very tall gymnast who was good at algebra. I just feel like that’s a fantastic thing for a school nemesis to be, don’t you think? Imposing, flexible, with frightening upper arm strength and an elite academic record. I’m grateful for her. From the ages of maybe five to thirteen, I had a hobby, and the hobby was thinking of ways that Samantha had annoyed me on a cellular level.
What am I meant to do for fun now; knit?
Talk to me. Have you ever had a nemesis this good? Do you have one now? What are they like, are they any good at doing summersaults?
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ENTHUSIASM is a newsletter for people who feel strongly about things. Like, for example, potatoes, human rights and former members of the boy band One Direction.
Kate Leaver is an editor, author, and former professional fairy. She’s currently writing her first novel, a cautionary tale about fame. She’s represented by Jemima Forrester at David Higham Associates and she really really loves her dog.
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