When I was seven, I dressed up as a roast potato. Spiritually, I’ve never been so in tune with myself.
One of the best days of my life was going to the Belgian Frites Museum with my bestie Luke (pictured below, with giant fries).
Possibly my greatest piece of journalism followed.
Potatoes mean a lot to me.
Used to be scared of carbs, now I’m here, with my taters and my tots, loving life.
Not all hot potato based products are equal though, it has to be said.
Below, I will share with you a ranking of potato dishes that has been a lifetime in the making, written down quickly, before I question my choice to publish a post about potatoes.
To be clear, I’m not an impressive cook. I am coming at this from an eating perspective. If you want recipes, ask Nigella.
Let us begin with some quick-fire opinions on some of the lesser potatoes. This is going to get controversial fast, so buckle up.
Potato dauphinoise: too wet
Baked potato: too dry
Mashed potato: too much of one texture
Wedges: too thick
Crisps: too sharp (will eat one or 150 if served in a bowl in a social setting, though)
Hasselback potatoes: just a normal potato trying to be fancier than it is, arrogant
Triple-cooked pub chips: once is enough, mate, why you cooking them so much
Potato salad: Chives? Bacon? Mayo? It’s a no from me.
Alright, that’s the small fries. Now, the headliners.
TOP SEVEN GREATEST POTATO PRODUCTS OF ALL TIME
ROASTIES
A classic! Crispy, golden, little flat bits of hard brown. Make too many. Like, you must make more than you can even imagine needing for the amount of people you’ll have because they actually taste best when eaten sneakily, one in your gob when you’re taking a bowl to the table, or left-over ones swiped from the tray when you’re clearing dishes.
SKINNY FRIES
They’re better than the chunkers. Fight me.
CHIPPIE SHOP HOT CHIPS
In Australia, we call hot sticks of cooked potato “hot chips” to differentiate them from “chips” which are elsewhere known as “crisps”. This is an important cultural distinction. Whatever you like to call them, if you’re getting hot chip chippies from a place preferably by the sea, where you can hear gulls or the sound of waves, you’re gonna have a lovely time. I like the soggy ones, you can have the lil crunchers. Salt, no vinegar. HUGE YES to the little wooden pitchfork some places give you.
RESTAURANT HASH BROWNS
Works of art! I had a rectangular prism of hash brown at a cafe by Shelly Beach once and I genuinely still dream of it. They delicately laid a roast tomato and a large mushroom by its side, with a little sprig of watercress for decoration. When I used to live in Notting Hill, I’d write from the Electric Cafe and just order one of their face-sized bowls of hashbrown and a coffee. The waiters were like, “it’s a big serving for one” and I was like, “bring them to me.”
POTATO ROSTI
Structurally sound. Delightful mix of soft and crunch. Love to see the individual strands of potato woven into a miraculous blob. Salted heavily, eaten very hot, sometimes with a fried egg on top, absolutely delish. No notes. If I were mayor, I’d make it compulsory for every dining establishment to offer them for any meal.
OVEN CHIPS
Skinny oven chips, slightly undercooked, served with Quorn nuggets and some roasted broc. It’s a perfect meal. On their own, skinny oven chips, slightly undercooked, with that lovely oily residue, I’m not joking, a perfect food item.
FREEZER HASHBROWNS
The triangle ones that come in a huge bag? Yep. Round guys? Yeppers. Weird oblong ones with rounded corners? Yes please, especially those. Storing various shapes of potato in your freezer, to take out, put in the oven, prepare at home, and eat when you want? It’s a modern miracle. It’s unbeatable. It’s the numero uno.
Please, discuss in the comments. Go for it. You’re welcome to suggest your own potato favourites, but so help me god if anyone tries to sneak sweet potato into this list, I’ll lose it.
I once accidentally went viral during my short-lived attempt to be on TikTok for suggesting that a specific British ice cream was good, so I’m aware that people feel strongly about food. Come for me gently, and with fries.
P.s. I hope you’re happy
I have finally done the potato ranking for you, love you like a potato xxENTHUSIASM is a newsletter for people who feel strongly about things. Like, for example, potatoes, human rights and former members of the boy band One Direction. Here, we contain multitudes. You might enjoy previous posts, like Baby Fever in an Auntie Way or Joanne Rowling’s descent into cruelty (her pronouns are she/TERF).
Kate Leaver is an editor, author, and former professional fairy. She writes about dogs, friendship, love, pop culture, sadness, and Taylor Swift. She’s currently writing her first novel, a cautionary tale about fame. She’s represented by Jemima Forrester at David Higham Associates and she really really loves her dog.
Mashed potatoes got robbed! Leave the skin on when you boil your chunks and don’t mash them up all the way. Mmmmmm texture. Throw some roast garlic in there? Yes, please.
You like the soggy ones? What kind of deviant are you? 😄