Root canal surgery

Ouch. But then: ahhhhh

Years ago, I cracked a tooth.

Now, I need root canal surgery.

Three appointments, spaced out over a couple months.

When my dentist told me I’d need it, my eyes went so wide as to be alarming. Isn’t it a running joke, that root canal surgery is the worst? “I’d rather have root canal,” people say, to humorous effect, when presented with something they don’t wanna do.

Anyway I’m 2/3 way through mine. Right now the right hand side of my face is numb, tingling, painful, swollen. Feels like I’m melting.

But I did sort of have a small epiphany while my dentist was poking around inside my unusually small mouth.

(By the way, hilarious to be seeing a dentist my age - she was so millennial about it - every time I winced with pain she went “sorry sorry love yooouuuuu!” And when she felt how tight my jaw is she was like, “ooooh girl”. She calls me gorgeous and compliments all my other teeth, which helps.)

Anyway

It was very unpleasant. The first time, she went in and [redacted because it’s gross] and then [redacted because it’s gross] and it took an hour and I was thinking about screaming, wondering if I would swallow one of her tools and die, fantasising about reaching up and wrenching out the tooth with my bare hands, and also trying to pictures as many dolphins at sunset as possible to calm myself down.

When it was over, the relief was so great I felt like I was high. It was thrilling. And I was in such a good mood, simply because nobody had their hands in my mouth anymore.

And I thought: Is this what life is about? It’s just really really noticing the moments you are not having root canal surgery?

And that when bad uncomfortable unpleasant terrible no good stuff happens but you get through it, you reach this little pocket of euphoria where it’s not happening anymore and that’s what you’ve gotta hang about to experience?

Maybe, my friends. Maybe this is it.

I’ve had a chronic illness (Long Covid, booooo) for several years with a pretty relentless stream of hideous symptoms. Recently, I have been making progress - a lot of really lovely progress (still a long way to go, don’t get too excited, it’s a stubborn bastard, I am trying my best with this thing).

Every hour when I am not in pain, or knocked out by crippling fatigue, or feeling my own heartbeat along my arms, I appreciate it more than I can say. It’s a sort of bliss. It’s like when you have a disgusting cold and your nose is blocked and you swear to the gods of germs that you will never take for granted again in your life the gift of a nose that you can breathe through.

Except then you forget and you go back to taking your good nose for granted.

I am trying not to forget.

This morning, I gave my boyfriend two maniacal thumbs up over the breakfast table and yelled “life’s good!” because I woke up feeling like I could face the day.

An hour later, my dentist was fairly vigorously poking me with sharp things but the point is, I had some time where I felt free and light and grateful and even sort of adjacent to normal and let me tell you: it felt GOOD.

So, today’s root canal foraging was better. I breathed, I closed my eyes and thought about the time one niece squealed when she saw me, when another niece held my hand watching telly recently, what it feels like to dive into the ocean, and also how good Maxibons are.

It was unpleasant, and then it was over.

I walked home in the sun, bought myself a couple of books as a reward, and was no longer having root canal surgery.

Today’s message is simple, but it might also kind of be everything.

What if

The secret to life

Is simply noticing

In a good way

The moments

When you are

NOT having root canal surgery

Thank you and good day to you xxx

May you never have to have root canal surgery, but if you do, take notice of the times when you are not.

ENTHUSIASM is a newsletter for people who feel strongly about things. Like, for example, trans rights, anti-racism, ducks with hats, whales, and microwave cake. Here, we contain multitudes.

Kate Leaver is an author, podcast producer and former professional fairy. You can find her on Instagram or find out more about her at kateleaver.com