1. I worked as a CNA in nursing home, was taught to close eyes and clean bodies before family or funeral home came.
2. Decided those people shouldn’t have had to die alone. No families came to visit until after they died. I became a HOSPICE volunteer to sit with those in thier last days, months, etc.
3. I buried my mom (sudden, unexpected death), then buried my son 1 year (less 7 days) later. He was 21, had just moved out and had a serious asthma attack, fell down and that was it.
Now I’m no longer afraid to die, I’ll join my loved ones in heaven. But I’d rather not outlive another child or watch my children face the pain I did.
I may have been familiar with death before, but when it’s loved ones, it hits differently.
Have you read, or seen the play, the Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion?
Or read the book On Grief And Grieving by Elisabeth Kubler Ross? She wrote it with her husband, about her own death, as she journeyed through hospice. He completed the book after she passed and published. It’s become a handbook for Hospice and grieving.
I agree, death should be visited, talked about, a place we all travel to eventually, we should not be scared to go to.
Oh wow. Maud, I’m so, so sad to hear about your mama and your son. I send you huge love. And what amazing work you do!!!
Do you know what, I have had Year of Magical Thinking on my to read list for so long - I will bump it up. I have absolutely heard of Elizabeth Kubler Ross but haven’t actually read the book so I will chuck that on my list, too. Thank you for such a thoughtful comment. My heart hurts thinking about what you’ve been through. I send you love x
I did a study unit titled 'Cultural Anatomy of the Dead Body' during my undergrad degree and I found it transformative to really look in depth at how different cultures (even within a limited Europe-centric lens) deal so differently with this universal human experience, and how much has changed relatively recently. There was an excellent episode of the Allusionist podcast over the winter in which Cariad Lloyd from Griefcast came on as a guest and talked about how so many of the things we think of as long term traditions around death in the UK are just Victorian inventions, and why they came about.
Oh wow wish I could go back to uni and do that unit!! Sounds fascinating. I really do think it’s a great idea to teach death in schools / universities. I will find that podcast!! Thank you!
Beautiful writing as always Kate. I deeply wish I had been able to talk to my mum about death before she died. Even when she was sick we were too scared to talk about it. Now that she’s gone I would love to know her wishes, how she’d want us to remember her and the lessons she wishes she could have imparted. With my own daughter, I will make a point of speaking about it regularly and writing things for her to read once I am gone. We miss out on so much by being afraid of something that is inevitable. 🤍
Darling Chloe, was thinking of you and your mummy when I wrote this. You’ve always been so wise about grief. I’m so sorry you missed out on talking to her about this, my friend. I’ve always thought it’s so beautiful how you both honour her and remember her with food and running and hosting people the way she might have, and I just know, I knowwwww she would be so proud of you, and how you talk about death and grief and her❤️❤️❤️Poppy the second is very lucky. Love you xx
Also I started thinking about my obituary, and given my quirk, am wondering if my family would be okay with me pre-writing my life story in the cadence of "we didn't start the fire"
I read a lot of books about death and dying, and I actually also photograph thousands of photos at cemeteries for find a grave dot com (genealogy resource), so I feel like I'm super familiar with it, but it still gets me every so often. Be gentle with yourself.
What an amazing post. I only discovered this Substack yesterday - it was recommended in a thread on another.
I lost my mum just over five years ago. I arranged her funeral. Nobody ever really talks about what they want, until it’s too late and you have to guess. All I ever remember her saying was that she didn’t want the lid of her coffin screwed down, so she could sit up in the church to see who had turned up! That is so her!
I remember borrowing a book on grief from the library and I was leant one by a friend. I returned them both, unopened.
I am going to try and let it in. Starting with this post, and some of the book and podcast recommendations in this thread. Thank you ❤️
I can't help you with your fear of death, I am riddled with my own fear of everything, but your post made me think of fate and the brilliant new book by Liane Moriarty, Here One Moment. I think you will enjoy reading it
Thanks for this post Kate. I spend a lot of time thinking about but then trying to ignore this inevitable fate. I lost my father as a child so have always known it’s definitely something real. And now that I have my own child I’d like to avoid it for as long as possible.
Look up Alua Arthur, she’s a death doula, she has the most amazing, calm energy. I’ve heard her speaking about death on a few podcasts and she made me feel so much more relaxed and accepting about death. I think she has her own podcast too and a book just out.
Hi Kirsty, I’m so sorry you lost your dad so young. I will absolutely look her up, thank you so much! And thank you so much for reading my post! It’s lovely to hear from you xxx
kate, it takes courage to welcome death into your life, so yay you!!!!!! and also for being open with your readers.
death, grief and loss are central to my work and call, though like many of us drawn to this work, we came to it via personal losses. i have discovered the more fully i am open to Grief and Loss, the more fully i experience Joy.
have you heard of The Death Deck? if not, you might want to check it out. great for starting conversations around the "taboo" topics. and i follow Poppy on Instagram. she is a gem.
thank you for furthering the death awareness conversation. for your openness, even when it is hard. please be tender with your heart.
Hi Anne! Thank you so much for this lovely message!!!! I will absolutely look into the death deck, sounds great. And I hope you are tender with your heart too, thank you so much xxx
LOVE THIS, Kate. Thank you for every word, and especially for introducing me to Poppy’s work. Have you read or come across We’re All Going To Die by Dr Leah Kaminsky? Hard recommend. ❤️
Oh yes of course!! Grief Cast! I’ve heard amazing things but not listened on account of aforementioned fear, but I will dive into it. And find A Summer’s Day. Thank you so much for such lovely suggestions Esther (great name) xx
Cariad L is a comedian so there is a lovely lightness as well as thoughtfulness to her approach. You can skim through the back cat to find people you might be interested in - I seem to remember she interviewed Isabelle Allende getting a wonderful insight into her world.
Also was thinking about one of Lemn Sissay's newish 4 line morning poems in "Let the Light Pour In":
It's all a conversation
Between day and night
Between mist and clarity
Darkness and Light
I'm loving your newsletters - keep them coming. ❤️
I was the chosen caretaker for my 96 year-old great grandma. Chosen because she always knew that I would honor her wishes and that we could always be honest with each other. She chose me over her two surviving daughters. I'll just say that it was hard for them to understand at the time.
Life made me available because of my disability. I was well enough to make sure both our needs were met (and that was about it).
Aside from that, those last two years were magical. You would love the talks that we had.
"Over the course of your life (born in 1903), what was one "advance" that changed life the most?" Answer "Concrete!" "Oh, come on!" "No, before concrete, most of what was paved was done with cobblestone and so it was expensive and very limited." "Concrete meant sidewalks everywhere. That meant that you didn't have to walk through mud everyday and the mud would always soak through your boots and it would dry out your feet. They'd crack and bleed. Sometimes there were infections and it could be really horrible. So yeah, concrete."
She had seen the invention of TV, space travel and computers. She saw sidewalks as a public health measure that changed everyone's lives and it connected them.
She died in my arms. It was both horrible and the most beautiful moment of my life. To hold her and comfort her and to know she wanted me to be with her at this moment.
I don't think that anyone in the family ever understood how being 96 and very frail or 36 and disabled could be so much fun. And yes, we very much made caring for each other look like a lot of fun. She's an immense part of who I am today.
Death? It's part of life. It was time. But she's not gone. We live on in the lives we've touched. We become a part of who they are (for better or worse).
This is so lovely. I can completely understand why she would’ve chosen you! You kept her young! I was genuinely very good friends with my grandma. This sounds magical and I am so glad you both had this time. Concrete!!!! I hadn’t thought of it like that, she’s so right, it’s pretty world changing, when you think about it!!!!!
Thank you so much for telling me about this, I treasure comments like this xxxx
I was always of the opinion that concrete had become the scourge of our society. There are still times I feel that way but damn, a public health measure. I had never considered that.
I think the thing we shared was a deep respect for each other. When you have that respect (she was a devout Mormon, I had myself excommunicated to get as far from Mormonism as I could - and we didn't avoid talking about our views).
One day she said "oh, you don't really believe that, do you?" I responded, "I do and I would never say that about your beliefs. I expect the same respect from you for my beliefs." And her response "You're right." She was the family matriarch and this is why people loved her. At 96, she hadn't stopped engaging with the world in a good faith manner. She was ready to leave it but she lived every last moment.
She sounds wonderful. I think that’s the secret, isn’t it, to growing old well - never stop engaging with the world. And appreciating concrete paths!!!! I’m honestly going to look at them differently now when I walk around!
1. I worked as a CNA in nursing home, was taught to close eyes and clean bodies before family or funeral home came.
2. Decided those people shouldn’t have had to die alone. No families came to visit until after they died. I became a HOSPICE volunteer to sit with those in thier last days, months, etc.
3. I buried my mom (sudden, unexpected death), then buried my son 1 year (less 7 days) later. He was 21, had just moved out and had a serious asthma attack, fell down and that was it.
Now I’m no longer afraid to die, I’ll join my loved ones in heaven. But I’d rather not outlive another child or watch my children face the pain I did.
I may have been familiar with death before, but when it’s loved ones, it hits differently.
Have you read, or seen the play, the Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion?
Or read the book On Grief And Grieving by Elisabeth Kubler Ross? She wrote it with her husband, about her own death, as she journeyed through hospice. He completed the book after she passed and published. It’s become a handbook for Hospice and grieving.
I agree, death should be visited, talked about, a place we all travel to eventually, we should not be scared to go to.
Oh wow. Maud, I’m so, so sad to hear about your mama and your son. I send you huge love. And what amazing work you do!!!
Do you know what, I have had Year of Magical Thinking on my to read list for so long - I will bump it up. I have absolutely heard of Elizabeth Kubler Ross but haven’t actually read the book so I will chuck that on my list, too. Thank you for such a thoughtful comment. My heart hurts thinking about what you’ve been through. I send you love x
I did a study unit titled 'Cultural Anatomy of the Dead Body' during my undergrad degree and I found it transformative to really look in depth at how different cultures (even within a limited Europe-centric lens) deal so differently with this universal human experience, and how much has changed relatively recently. There was an excellent episode of the Allusionist podcast over the winter in which Cariad Lloyd from Griefcast came on as a guest and talked about how so many of the things we think of as long term traditions around death in the UK are just Victorian inventions, and why they came about.
Oh wow wish I could go back to uni and do that unit!! Sounds fascinating. I really do think it’s a great idea to teach death in schools / universities. I will find that podcast!! Thank you!
To help you find it - I listened around New Year and I think it was one with multiple guests each on for 10ish minutes.
Ooh lovely, thank you!!
Beautiful writing as always Kate. I deeply wish I had been able to talk to my mum about death before she died. Even when she was sick we were too scared to talk about it. Now that she’s gone I would love to know her wishes, how she’d want us to remember her and the lessons she wishes she could have imparted. With my own daughter, I will make a point of speaking about it regularly and writing things for her to read once I am gone. We miss out on so much by being afraid of something that is inevitable. 🤍
Darling Chloe, was thinking of you and your mummy when I wrote this. You’ve always been so wise about grief. I’m so sorry you missed out on talking to her about this, my friend. I’ve always thought it’s so beautiful how you both honour her and remember her with food and running and hosting people the way she might have, and I just know, I knowwwww she would be so proud of you, and how you talk about death and grief and her❤️❤️❤️Poppy the second is very lucky. Love you xx
Also I started thinking about my obituary, and given my quirk, am wondering if my family would be okay with me pre-writing my life story in the cadence of "we didn't start the fire"
Hahaha I like you Holly P
I read a lot of books about death and dying, and I actually also photograph thousands of photos at cemeteries for find a grave dot com (genealogy resource), so I feel like I'm super familiar with it, but it still gets me every so often. Be gentle with yourself.
Interesting job!!! And thank you so much xx you too
What an amazing post. I only discovered this Substack yesterday - it was recommended in a thread on another.
I lost my mum just over five years ago. I arranged her funeral. Nobody ever really talks about what they want, until it’s too late and you have to guess. All I ever remember her saying was that she didn’t want the lid of her coffin screwed down, so she could sit up in the church to see who had turned up! That is so her!
I remember borrowing a book on grief from the library and I was leant one by a friend. I returned them both, unopened.
I am going to try and let it in. Starting with this post, and some of the book and podcast recommendations in this thread. Thank you ❤️
Hi Naomi, thank you so much for dropping by, happy to have you here! Your mum sounds hilarious.
Lemme know how you go, letting it in. Scary, but I think it’s going to be good ❤️❤️
I can't help you with your fear of death, I am riddled with my own fear of everything, but your post made me think of fate and the brilliant new book by Liane Moriarty, Here One Moment. I think you will enjoy reading it
Oh I like Liane Moriarty’s stuff!! Will check it out xx
Thanks for this post Kate. I spend a lot of time thinking about but then trying to ignore this inevitable fate. I lost my father as a child so have always known it’s definitely something real. And now that I have my own child I’d like to avoid it for as long as possible.
Look up Alua Arthur, she’s a death doula, she has the most amazing, calm energy. I’ve heard her speaking about death on a few podcasts and she made me feel so much more relaxed and accepting about death. I think she has her own podcast too and a book just out.
Hi Kirsty, I’m so sorry you lost your dad so young. I will absolutely look her up, thank you so much! And thank you so much for reading my post! It’s lovely to hear from you xxx
kate, it takes courage to welcome death into your life, so yay you!!!!!! and also for being open with your readers.
death, grief and loss are central to my work and call, though like many of us drawn to this work, we came to it via personal losses. i have discovered the more fully i am open to Grief and Loss, the more fully i experience Joy.
have you heard of The Death Deck? if not, you might want to check it out. great for starting conversations around the "taboo" topics. and i follow Poppy on Instagram. she is a gem.
thank you for furthering the death awareness conversation. for your openness, even when it is hard. please be tender with your heart.
Hi Anne! Thank you so much for this lovely message!!!! I will absolutely look into the death deck, sounds great. And I hope you are tender with your heart too, thank you so much xxx
LOVE THIS, Kate. Thank you for every word, and especially for introducing me to Poppy’s work. Have you read or come across We’re All Going To Die by Dr Leah Kaminsky? Hard recommend. ❤️
I take a Holly Ringland recommendation very seriously!!!! I will look into it ASAP!!! I love you
Thinking about death and appreciating this one precious life all the more is one of my favourite things.
Highly recommend Grief Cast podcast hosted by Cariad Lloyd (recently published) and A Summer's Day, poem by Mary Oliver.
Oh yes of course!! Grief Cast! I’ve heard amazing things but not listened on account of aforementioned fear, but I will dive into it. And find A Summer’s Day. Thank you so much for such lovely suggestions Esther (great name) xx
Cariad L is a comedian so there is a lovely lightness as well as thoughtfulness to her approach. You can skim through the back cat to find people you might be interested in - I seem to remember she interviewed Isabelle Allende getting a wonderful insight into her world.
Also was thinking about one of Lemn Sissay's newish 4 line morning poems in "Let the Light Pour In":
It's all a conversation
Between day and night
Between mist and clarity
Darkness and Light
I'm loving your newsletters - keep them coming. ❤️
Thank you so so much, I will xxxxxx
I was the chosen caretaker for my 96 year-old great grandma. Chosen because she always knew that I would honor her wishes and that we could always be honest with each other. She chose me over her two surviving daughters. I'll just say that it was hard for them to understand at the time.
Life made me available because of my disability. I was well enough to make sure both our needs were met (and that was about it).
Aside from that, those last two years were magical. You would love the talks that we had.
"Over the course of your life (born in 1903), what was one "advance" that changed life the most?" Answer "Concrete!" "Oh, come on!" "No, before concrete, most of what was paved was done with cobblestone and so it was expensive and very limited." "Concrete meant sidewalks everywhere. That meant that you didn't have to walk through mud everyday and the mud would always soak through your boots and it would dry out your feet. They'd crack and bleed. Sometimes there were infections and it could be really horrible. So yeah, concrete."
She had seen the invention of TV, space travel and computers. She saw sidewalks as a public health measure that changed everyone's lives and it connected them.
She died in my arms. It was both horrible and the most beautiful moment of my life. To hold her and comfort her and to know she wanted me to be with her at this moment.
I don't think that anyone in the family ever understood how being 96 and very frail or 36 and disabled could be so much fun. And yes, we very much made caring for each other look like a lot of fun. She's an immense part of who I am today.
Death? It's part of life. It was time. But she's not gone. We live on in the lives we've touched. We become a part of who they are (for better or worse).
Always love your Substack!
And I always love your comments!
This is so lovely. I can completely understand why she would’ve chosen you! You kept her young! I was genuinely very good friends with my grandma. This sounds magical and I am so glad you both had this time. Concrete!!!! I hadn’t thought of it like that, she’s so right, it’s pretty world changing, when you think about it!!!!!
Thank you so much for telling me about this, I treasure comments like this xxxx
I was always of the opinion that concrete had become the scourge of our society. There are still times I feel that way but damn, a public health measure. I had never considered that.
I think the thing we shared was a deep respect for each other. When you have that respect (she was a devout Mormon, I had myself excommunicated to get as far from Mormonism as I could - and we didn't avoid talking about our views).
One day she said "oh, you don't really believe that, do you?" I responded, "I do and I would never say that about your beliefs. I expect the same respect from you for my beliefs." And her response "You're right." She was the family matriarch and this is why people loved her. At 96, she hadn't stopped engaging with the world in a good faith manner. She was ready to leave it but she lived every last moment.
She sounds wonderful. I think that’s the secret, isn’t it, to growing old well - never stop engaging with the world. And appreciating concrete paths!!!! I’m honestly going to look at them differently now when I walk around!